The view from my couch

My Dream Broadcast
by Desmond Hobson
April 1, 2004

Recently, NASCAR began a series of ads featuring past and present drivers. Strangely, no actual racing has actually been part of the ads so far. Here's what would happen if I were in charge of them.

We begin with an opening which is tasteful in nature--no soap operas or questions about boxers or briefs. Then we go up to the booth where Allen Bestwick, Buddy Baker and Ned Jarrett have the call. In the pits are Dr. Jerry Punch, John Kernan, Matt Yocum, and Winston Kelly (he's on MRN radio).

Since this is the biggest race of the year, we should be at Daytona with the restrictor plates off. (If that's not possible, we'll take Darlington.)

The 43 cars are introduced, with every driver, car and sponsor properly introduced. Next comes the national anthem and "gentlemen start your engines" (with the drivers actually IN THE CAR AT THE TIME. Fox, as always, has the wrong idea.)

Richard Petty leads the field past the start/finish line, but he doesn't lead for very long. Early on, Neil Bonnett (in the DEI Pennzoil #1) takes over the lead, but he crashes around lap 30, handing the lead to Davey Allison.

By about lap 75, Dale Earnhardt takes the lead for the first time. However, before long, Jeff Gordon makes the slingshot pass (remember THOSE?) and takes the lead.

Halfway, the leader is Gordon, followed by Bill Elliott, Earnhardt, Petty, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Allison, Buck Baker (in the Ryan Newman 12 car), and Darrell Waltrip (in the 17).

On lap 126, Waltrip and Matt Kenseth (in the 89 Robbie Reiser car) tangle together, ending DW's chances in an ironic way. Afterward, he says something pretty idiotic (which he does on Fox every week now anyway).

On the ensuing pit stops, Dale Jr.'s chances to win go down in the figurative flames when the pit crew messes up. The TV (ESPN or CBS) stops paying attention to him. (Good!)

By the 3/4 mark (lap 150), Baker takes the lead, followed by Earnhardt, Gordon, Elliott, and a surprise challenger--an unknown from Benson, NC named Buddy Wayne Barefoot! (That's my creation, in case you haven't been paying attention).

Petty, Baker, David Pearson, Ricky Rudd and Cale Yarborough are involved in a crash on lap 179, as close to the "big one" as we'll see today.

The race ends in a shootout between Barefoot (in the 31 Lowe's car, the one before Jimmie Johnson's) and his idol, "the Intimidator." In a Darlington-like ending, Barefoot scores the HUGE upset, winning by about a tenth of a second. Everyone LOVES it!

Elliott finishes third, followed by Gordon, Rusty Wallace, Baker, Allison, Tony Stewart, Dale Jarrett, and Geoffrey Bodine.

Meanwhile, all the pit stops are covered, the ads are limited and end before the restarts, and the network makes sure to break out of the commercials if there is a crash.

That's my perfect race, covered by the perfect team. What's yours?

You can send me email at my NetZero address.

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